Actin' Like Life is a Big Commercial

I don't have cable, which means I don't have DVR, which means when I watch TV I often watch the commercials. Like many people who have been underpaid in creative jobs, I've considered getting into advertising. The money is good and I'd be surrounded by plenty of smart, pop-culture savvy people. But then I remember my general distaste for consumerism and the practice of preying on people's insecurities/inventing whole new voids in their lives just to convince them to buy shit they don't need, and realize it's just not for me. Still -- I find the general cringeworthiness of many ads compelling and I guess that's why I love Slate's "Ad Report Card." This week readers wrote in on their least favorite spots, and one woman writes in:

I especially enjoyed your article about inappropriate musical choices in television commercials. On that note, I wonder if you've seen this spot for Wishbone salad dressing, which uses the song "Bump" by Spank Rock. Sure, they didn't use any of the lyrics, but I have to wonder why they'd create an association between "delicious vinaigrette dressings" and one of the filthiest songs I've ever heard.—Noreen T.

Well, the ad does say they're changing "everything" about salad dressing. I'd argue that "Bump" is the perfect soundtrack to accompany that mission. Why shouldn't a vegetable vinaigrette conjure sentiments like "You get it from behind, in just Chanel pumps"? For their next ad, I suggest they use "Toss My Salad," by underpublicized genius Filthy Sex Toy. (Given Filthy Sex Toy's graphic lyrics, I must sternly warn you that what you will see should you click on that link is in no way safe for work. And yet I must also stress that fabulous entertainment awaits beyond.)

Heh. Another one that makes me confused is the JC Penney fake Breakfast Club ad, with that grossly sterile version of "Don't You Forget About Me." MSNBC sums up my reaction perfectly. Isn't the reference lost on most kids born in 1993? Or are they talking to their parents, in which case don't you realize their reaction to the ad is going to be 'thanks for pissing on my nostalgia with this absurd burlesque of the original'? Also as Adblog says, "the characters are not weird, quirky and strange-looking at all. Instead, they are normal, trendy and strikingly beautiful, no Ally Sheedy-type makeover required."

I thought something similar when watching the previews for the new 90210. I know the old one was sexy 'for its time' or whatever, but instead of balding regular-dad Jim Walsh now it's "Silk Stalkings" guy. Jesus, Gabrielle Carteris wouldn't even get to be an extra on this show. When did everyone get so sexy all of the sudden? Don't get me wrong, I'm totally going to watch 90210's premiere. But in the back of my mind I'll be thinking about Rob Stone, Kevin on "Mr. Belvedere"/hideous cross-eyed monster by today's standards.

Fugazi - Merchandise (div share)

Simple Minds - Don't You Forget About Me (div share)

Spank Rock - Bump (Switch Remix) (div share)